15 years after my best friend’s death - the impact of her life, death and our relationship now

15 years ago today, my childhood best friend Casey died. Her death was shocking, unfathomable, gut-wrenching, confusing and so deeply sad. And our relationship while she was alive and since she died has had a huge impact on me and my path. So today, I feel called to honor her today by sharing a bit of her, what she and her death have taught me, and how she and our relationship since her death have impacted me.

Casey was genuinely the most beautiful and brilliantly shining person. In fact, she was born on the Summer Solstice, the brightest day of the year, and that fit perfectly. From the first day we met at the first day of kindergarten, there was no doubt that she was genuinely full of life. She was creative, gregarious, hilarious, smart, kind, loving and compassionate.

In terms of our friendship, I now wonder if she is perhaps some version of a soulmate. We went through a lot of each other’s respective “tough stuff” together growing up. AND we had an immense amount of fun together. Many of my favorite childhood memories are with her - often involving creativity, art, dance, swimming, and most of all giggling. It feels like our frequencies somehow resonated with each other on a level that I can now see and appreciate more than I ever did in the moment. 

One of my core memories with Casey was hanging out in her very old barn making up a dance to a favorite song as we often did. This time, her sister Caroline was with us and the song of the moment was of all songs “Only the Good Die Young” by Billy Joel. To this day, that memory is both comforting and discomforting in its eeriness.  

Although Casey’s death was the young tragic loss that’s had the greatest impact on me, it wasn’t the only one. As a junior in college, a friend died very suddenly and tragically on the day he graduated. And now as a minister, I have been gifted the responsibility of accompanying families after the tragic and complicated deaths of young loved ones. I support them as they navigate the initial mourning and grief and work with everyone to design and lead meaningful celebrations of life or memorials that unique celebrate and honor their loved one. Now that I have more experience with young loss like this, here is what I’ve found:

There is something to that Billy Joel’s song “Only the Good Die Young.” Much like Casey, these incredible souls shine so bright and it’s almost as if they are cosmic stars shining so bright that their light burns out quicker. I also would be remiss if I didn’t mention that the volume of their brightness is sometimes (but not always) accompanied by equally voluminous shadows, so their paths aren’t always the easiest and some of their deaths have been complicated. 

What I believe about death is that in death, souls return to their most brilliantly bright shining and loving form. That they are freed of the shadows they may have encountered here and they are their fullest energetic forms. I also believe that our connections to our loved ones do not go away when they die - instead they transform from a physical relationship to an energetic and spiritual relationship. In fact, some people feel closer to their loved ones in death than they did in life. That said, it doesn’t make the loss worth it, not even a little bit. And sometimes these beliefs provide solace to me and others, and sometimes they don’t. 

I miss Casey immensely. Of course I still wish she was here. I still sometimes wonder what she would be doing or where she would be if she had lived. And I wonder how my life would be different if she was still here. I still wish I could call her or see her or just know she’s here somewhere. But I do know she’s here, just in a different form. 

I know she’s here because I have had experiences that cannot possibly be coincidences. Specifically, here are a few of the many ways that Casey has informed and shown up on my path over the last 15 years: 

• I became closer with her sister Caroline. In some ways, I felt like us getting much closer again in the last year of her life was possibly so I would be there for Caroline. That relationship and connection has been a gift. 

• Casey died in a very transitional moment of my life - in the midst of a year that I was lost, soul-searching, longing for direction and connection. In fact, we were both going through a lot when she died, and we were supporting each other through it. Somehow, whether it was her or not (I believe it was), I was guided after her death to my next teacher, my next path, and resources that would inform my path forward forever.

• Her death made me double down on moving towards a meaningful path, regardless of how “traditional” or “acceptable” it was, which absolutely led to the life I now have and the work I now do. 

• A couple months after her death, I saw Wayne Dyer speak at the retreat center where I was living and he recommended the book “Dying to be Me” by Anita Moorjani. With Casey in mind, I got the book and basically highlighted the whole thing. It explained everything I believed but had never had words for. It has since basically become the closest thing I have to a spiritual text. It also led me to more Near Death Experience accounts that continued to inform and validate my beliefs and understanding of life and death. 

• Casey’s death led to me reconnecting with friends including one that had caused harm in my life when we were younger. That reconnection led to healing for both of us, but also eventually led me to the seminary where I ended up studying. I absolutely think that was Casey’s doing. 

• In my final year of seminary, we were tasked with designing and writing a funeral, ideally for a real person. I chose to write a second death ritual for Casey. One in which those who loved and love her came together to celebrate her, and to honor how her life and death had impacted us, and how she continues to weave through our lives. It was a deeply meaningful experience to write the ceremony. In my research, I decided to listen to an album her husband had written and produced that he thought included lyrics she was essentially channeling to him. I was absolutely gobsmacked to see that the only female vocalist on the album was neighbor, who I had met and befriended when I had moved into my new home six months prior. That cannot be a coincidence.   

• When I was contacted in 2024 to support a family navigating the incredibly tragic and complicated death of their 19-year old daughter, I immediately felt compelled to support them, and I wanted them to have the best possible support whether it was me or someone else. I realized that I absolutely was meant to be the one helping them when at the beginning of the initial meeting with the family, the father happen to mention Casey’s mother-in-law. I couldn’t believe it. And yet, I could. Casey had clearly had a hand in connecting us. And that Celebration of Life was arguably one of the most important things I’ve ever done in my life and has informed where I am called as a minister now.

Casey has clearly been at work in my life. As part of the eulogy at her funeral, I shared excerpts from the E.E. Cummings poem “I Carry Your Heart” - I committed to carrying her with me. Over the years, I have noticed that she is likely carrying me in some way also - that perhaps as much as I was speaking that poem to her, perhaps she speaks it to me too. 

I physically now carry her with me also - “love” written in her beautiful handwriting from a card she sent me about a month before her death is now tattooed on my wrist. This was an ordination and 40th birthday present to both Casey and I - I carry her love and my love for her, and it’s a reminder of my ministerial vow to be an Instrument of Love and Connection in the world.

In Jewish tradition, it is believed that everyone dies twice. The first is in physical death. The second and final death is when their name is uttered, read or thought of for the last time. I will continue to say Casey’s name and carry her with me in my heart. She is beloved and she is here.

Perhaps you are able to relate to this type of loss, this type of grief, this type of connection with a loved one. I think different relationships and people/souls take on different roles in our lives and Casey clearly is playing a big role in mine. I hope you will connect with and honor the people and souls on your path that have impacted you, both those you have physical relationships with and those relationships that are now spiritual/energetic. Love and Connection are what matter, in whatever form they come in.

Casey, I love you. I miss you. I am listening. 

i carry your heart with me
i carry it in my heart
i am never without it
anywhere i go you go;

here is the deepest secret nobody knows
here is the root of the root
and the bud of the bud
and the sky of the sky
of a tree called life
which grows higher than the soul can hope or mind can hide.

And this is the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart.

i carry your heart (i carry it in my heart)

I love you.
Rev. (because of you) Devin Green
The Connected Way™