A Deep Gratitude with Grief as it's Companion
It’s the morning of Thanksgiving. I am alone in my sister’s kitchen while the family is off Turkey Trotting. I just finished my daily Morning Pages and suddenly I feel called to write something that I’ve been wanting to share for a long time. I have tried writing it a few times, but it hasn’t felt right. Now, on Thanksgiving, it feels like it wants to come out. So here goes…
This morning, I decided to brain dump my gratitudes. And I have A LOT of things I am thankful for including one that is a very big gratitude that is accompanied by quite a lot of grief. Here is what I wrote: “Thank you for bringing the ______s into Taco and I’s lives. I am so grateful that he is happy and thriving and more at ease, and that he now has the perfect-for-him family and home. I am grateful you brought us together in such a magical way that I knew it was meant to be. I now know it was clearly what was right for all of us.”
Friends, I am sure this will be a shock to some of you because over the five years we had together, I’ve only shared the good stuff with Taco and I - the love, the joy, the connection. But there was more there. I’m not going to get into all the details because it doesn’t matter. What matters is that I love Taco immensely AND for quite a while, I questioned if I was where he belonged - if we were the right fit. I had so much shame for even thinking that, and I did everything I could to make it work. But I couldn’t let go of the heart-wrenching thought and feeling that maybe we weren’t meant to be together forever. Eventually, I surrendered to the possibility that maybe a change was best for him.
I knew that I would ONLY allow this change to happen if I truly knew that he would be in the ideal situation. I started by writing a profile that I planned to send to the trainers and dog professionals I had worked with that really knew Taco. It outlined everything about him, about us and most importantly, what I believed was the perfect home for him in case they knew that home. I never sent it. I questioned myself again - maybe he was meant to be with me and I just needed more of a village to support him. But, I clearly wasn’t in charge, because what played out really felt like it could only have been Divinely guided.
A few weeks, I spoke with a friend in passing who had once said something that made me wonder if she might want to become part of that support village. I shared what I had been considering and where I was at and she empathized with me because she had been through something very similar. She described the family and the property where her dog had ended up and it sounded so magical. I was thinking how wonderful it all was for her that she had connected with them. What I wasn’t thinking about at the time because it wasn’t in my line of thought was that she was describing EXACTLY what I had written in the profile as Taco’s ideal forever home, to a T.
As my friend and I were speaking, she shared that just the night before, she had happened to see the mother of her dog’s second family. And that mom had shared they were just starting to consider getting another dog (I then discovered my friend’s pup had passed a year earlier). And what the mom had described to my friend they were looking for in a dog was basically Taco…
I burst into tears. I was overwhelmed with every feeling you can imagine about the possibility - doubt, fear, joy, meaning, etc. But moreso, I was consumed by a sense that something was happening that I was not in control of. And that continued throughout the day as my friend called the mom, as the mom and I spoke, as I sat with the possibility and so many parts of me absolutely didn’t want that. But because of the way this all transpired, I couldn’t deny that perhaps something greater was at work and I needed to surrender to it.
After that, things moved quickly. I met the parents and I eventually let myself get okay with the idea. We decided to do a three-week “pet sitting” trial so their 9 and 13 year old girls wouldn’t get attached unless it was permanent, so they could see if it felt like a fit for them and so I could really make the decision if I was okay with letting him go. There really wasn’t a question even at the start if they wanted him - they did. It was me that had to let go. In July, I made the absolutely heart-wrenching decision that he was meant to be with them now.
Since then, I have navigated immeasurable grief and shame and the entire spectrum of emotions. And many months later, yes, I am still grieving and parts of that will stay with me forever. But I’m also full of gratitude in so many ways including:
I am grateful that this family, Taco and I’s paths all came together in such a magical way.
I am grateful that Taco is happy and has a situation and home and family that is better suited to what he needs.
I am grateful for everything Taco, our relationship and this situation have taught me about grief, about love, about shame, about myself and what I experience internally, and about surrender and trust.
I am profoundly grateful for the five years Taco and I had together - all the joy, the fun, the walks, the adventures, the pup cups, the connection, and all the love he gave everyone he met.
The term ‘surrender’ is sometimes used with rehoming . I’ve never liked it. But the day I dropped him off at what would be his new home, I saw it in a new light. I wasn’t ‘giving up, raising the white flag.’ I was surrendering control of what was right and meant to be. I was surrendering to the divine plan, not the one I might have had…
I am sure many of you will miss Taco. You may still see him as he’s in the area and may stay with me from time-to-time, but rest assured that he has plenty of people to love on and is getting lots of love in return! And I truly know and trust that he is exactly where he is meant to be.
I know it may be strange to share this on Thanksgiving, but apparently this was the timing that was meant to be. And in reflecting on it, I see that in these times of great paradox - of the Both/And, some of my deepest gratitudes are ones that also carry great grief. Perhaps that is the greatest gift - to be able to be with grief and gratitude in any given experience in equal measure. I wish that for you and for me today and all days.
With gratitude,
Rev Dev
The Connected Way™
P.S. The image included in the text above is a collage I started creating the day I made the final decision, as part of the rituals I’ve done to help with integration and to have him/our love with me at home.
